Tuesday, November 9, 1948
"In Israel, Our People Will Finally Have Safety and Peace," Says Ben-Gurion
Jordan Welcomes New Neighbors with Celbratory Gunfire, Rock Throwing
Jerusalem, Israel--After more than 2,000 years of wandering and persecution, including six million deaths at the hand of Nazi Germany, the Jewish people finally established a homeland Monday, a place of safety and peace nestled between Syria, Lebanon, Jordan and Egypt.
"No longer will the Jewish race live in a constant state of fear and endagerment, its very existence threatened at every turn by hostile outsiders," said David Ben-Gurion, the new nation's first prime minister, addressing a jubiland crowd of Zionists at Jerusalem's Western Wall. "Here in Israel, we are safe, far away from those who seek to destroy us."
For two millennia, the Jewish people have wandered without a home, facing an endless series of hostile enemies. With the establishment of a soverign Jewish state in the Middle East, Israeli officials believe this 2,000-year ordeal has at last come to an end.
"Israel is the land of milk and honey," Ben-Gurion said. "Here there will be no pogroms, no midnight visits from Cossacks, no Nuremberg Laws. The only gunfire we shall hear is that which lingers in our minds from troubled times long past."
Ben-Gurion said he looks forward to years of harmony and cooperation with Israel's neighboring states. "Jordan seems extremely happy to have us as a new neighbor," he said. "Last night, from my window, I could hear great explosions coming from the Gaza Strip. How wonderful of the Palestinian peoples there to celebrate our arrival with fireworks."
In his official greeting to Israel yesterday, Egypt's King Farouk issued the following statement: "Egypt does not and will not ever recognize the so-called state of Israel's right to exist. Israel is a land built on Jewish lies and the spilled blood of countless Arabs. Until the territory called Israel is returned to is rightful Palestinian owners, Egypt will have no choice but to consider itself at war with the Jewish people."
As a token of its good will, Syria presented Israel with a burning Israeli flag, with an attached note that read, "May you be swiftly driven into the sea and drowned."
In the months leading up to Monday's formal declaration of Israeli statehood, hundreds of thousands of Hocaust survivors from around the world have flocked to Israel, where they will finally find a safe haven from anti-Semitism. "This is a dream come true," said Holocaust survivor Zadie Dubrovnik, 59, who left her native Lithuania for Israel last week. "In this place, we will build a refuge of peace, far away from those who hate us."
Ben-Gurion said that with no need to defend itself from enemies, Israel will be free to spend billions of dollars on domestic development that other nations would be forced to devote to a defense budget. Military expenditures are expected to account for just two percent of the country's overall budget, as Israel will be a place of peace, not war.
Also from the Onion:
Israel Bombs Anti-Semitism Out Of Lebanon
Israel Intercepts Massive Palestinian Rock Shipment
Israel, Palestine Now Fighting Over Cemetery Space
War-Torn Middle East Seeks Solace In Religion
see also: on a lighter note...